Chapter 9 – Using Affirmations to Develop Self
Confidence
44
Chapter 10 – Developing Self Confidence in
Children
47
Chapter 11 – Tips for Developing Self Confidence
53
What Is
Self Confidence? An Introduction
Self-confidence
is an attitude that allows people to have positive, realistic views of
themselves and situations that involve them. People who are
self-confident show that they have control over their lives and their
abilities, no matter what happens. They believe that they will be able
to do what they set their mind to with a positive outcome.
Self-confident people don’t always expect to be able to do everything
by themselves; however, they have a healthy and practical approach to
everything that comes their way.
Self-confidence
doesn’t necessarily enter into every aspect of a person’s life. For
example, someone may exhibit self-confidence at home but not at work,
or during certain situations and not others. Everyone has some areas of
their life that they feel more confident about than others. Areas that
people are specially trained in or have learned about are areas that
they will generally have the most confidence about. For instance,
someone who went to college and graduated with a degree in mathematics
will feel most confident when discussing or using mathematics.
It’s
only natural to feel uneasy about situations that you don’t have total
control of or don’t know much about. However, when you have a lack of
self-confidence, you rarely feel in control of situations and often
don’t trust your own feelings or knowledge.
There
are many factors that influence your ability to have confidence in
yourself. Surprisingly, lack of ability or knowledge doesn’t seem to be
related to a lack of self-confidence. Often, people who are
self-confident may display those characteristics no matter what the
situation is and people who lack self-confidence tend to show little
self-confidence even in areas that they excel.
There
are many factors involved in developing self-confidence. You need to
have a positive self-image. This is important to a fully developed
sense of self and gives you the ability to build confidence. Another
factor is how you view the world. A positive attitude goes a long way
towards feeling confident in many situations. You also need to be able
to rely on your own ideas and beliefs rather than take on those of
others. Many people with low self-esteem or self-confidence place too
much importance on what others think. Learning to think for yourself
and being able to express those thoughts to others is key to feeling
good about yourself.
Another
factor that comes into play when dealing with self-confidence issues is
how you deal with mistakes that you make. When you were a child your
parents set the tone for how you treat mistakes as an adult. Whether
they yelled at you or took over for you, if they didn’t let you learn
naturally from your mistakes you may be handling them poorly as an
adult. Understanding that mistakes are a part of everyday life for
everyone is important in developing self-confidence. The fear of making
a mistake can cause you to freeze into non-action.
Depression
can actually stem from a lack of self-confidence. When you consistently
feel self-critical about what you do and things in your life it can
lead to becoming depressed. Although depression can have many roots,
lacking self-confidence can contribute to it.
Everyone
feels unsure or a lack of confidence from time to time. However, if you
have low self-confidence most of the time you can take action to change
it. There are strategies to help you overcome your lack of
self-confidence. This book will show you ways to help you become a more
confident person.
Building
self-confidence is a process that takes effort and commitment. Learning
about what causes a lack of self-confidence helps in taking action to
boost it.
Each
chapter contains useful information about particular aspects that
affect your self-confidence. Read the book as a whole or take each
chapter separately as you need it. At the end of each chapter is an
exercise to help you learn about yourself and practice techniques to
boost your self-confidence level.
Exercise – Determine Your
Strengths & Weaknesses
This
exercise will help you determine your strengths and weaknesses, and
will help you learn more about yourself. You can refer to these lists
while reading the book.
List
your Weaknesses - Write down what you consider to be your
weaknesses or faults. Use positive words instead of negative ones. Try
not to exaggerate. Use descriptive language. Be as specific as
possible.
List
your Strengths – Make a list of all your strengths. Try to
list as many as possible. If you have trouble coming up with strengths,
ask someone who knows you well to assist you. Avoid backhanded
compliments.
Chapter 1
– Ways We Criticize Ourselves
There
are two types of criticism. One comes from others - they may criticize
us and evaluate us. This criticism usually comes from our parents or
family members. They are sometimes overly critical of us and what we
do. From the time we are born we are aware of what others think about
us. We grow up wanting and needing the approval of others. First, we
need our parent’s approval. We learn to do things that they want us to
do so that they will give us approval. These learned behaviors became
our usual pattern for dealing with issues.
Somewhere
through the growing process, we learned to turn the criticism inward,
towards ourselves. Our parents may be gone but we are still giving
ourselves criticism that our parents used to. This has become so
automatic that we don’t even realize we are doing it.
In order
to change and grow, we need to change and eliminate the self-criticism.
This is no easy task because this is a habit we have cultivated over a
great length of time. You need to stop being critical of yourself and
overly harsh on yourself.
People
who are perfectionists tend to be harder on themselves than they should
be. If you are a perfectionist you need to take heed and learn to allow
yourself to be less than perfect. Many perfectionists avoid doing
things unless they know they are good at them. This limits their
ability to learn and experience new things in life.
In order
to build self-confidence you need to be strong in your beliefs and not
listen to criticism. This is often very hard to do. After someone has
criticized you harshly it’s hard not to replay the harsh words over and
over in our heads. You can listen to the criticism, take it in, but
then not let it affect you. This requires some practice, as you have
become programmed over the years to respond to criticism.
Start by
becoming aware of criticism and being able to distinguish between
negative criticism and constructive criticism. Negative criticism is
aimed at us personally and does not include anything to help guide us
in a better direction. If someone gives us a negative comment without
offering a suggestion on how to improve it, this could qualify as
negative criticism. Be aware of negative people who seem to get
enjoyment out of tearing others down. They may not have your best
interest at heart. In fact, they may be way off base when it comes to
what they are telling you. This is because they may have skewed
perception. They also may feel a certain amount of jealousy towards
others and the negativity stems from their own insecurities. People who
have negative attitudes or who offer negative criticism should be
considered toxic and you should try to avoid dealing with them as much
as possible.
If you do need to deal with negative people, reassure yourself that you
are worthy of what you do. Remind yourself that this person is only
offering one opinion and that you don’t need to put value in that
opinion. Finally, tell yourself that your opinion is really the only
one that counts and you are fine.
Constructive
criticism can actually provide benefits to you. Constructive criticism
offers comments and follows up with suggestions for change, and is an
honest attempt to help you in some way. In order for you to take in the
comments and try something new you need to be open to change. Remember,
though, that the person offering the constructive criticism is also
just a person, with opinions, just as you are. You are free to consider
their comments but are not required to act on them.
Try not
to dwell on any type of criticism. Over-thinking anything is usually
spending too much time on something that isn’t that important. Again,
remember that you are the person that you have to please and if you are
happy, that’s all that counts (as long as you’re not hurting anyone in
the process).
Place
the most value in your own criticism and be sparing with that as well.
People can be just as harsh on themselves as they can be of others,
sometimes even more so. Take care to treat yourself with respect and
love, as you would others. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Often, if you
are overly critical of yourself it stems from parents that were over
critical of you when you were young. You may hear your parents telling
you in your head when you do something wrong. Their words may still be
with you today, even as an adult. Take charge of your life and become
your own person. As an adult you don’t need to take criticism from
others and you certainly don’t need to give yourself negative
criticism.
You
listen to your inner critic because it has become your strategy for
dealing with negative situations. You actually may feel comforted by
having this voice inside you telling you how to cope with situations.
To find out when your inner critic is at work write down situations
during the day where you are critical of yourself. At the end of the
day find out what role your critic played in your day and what feelings
you were avoiding.
Don’t
over-analyze. Many people that have low self-confidence tend to
over-analyze every situation and conversation. Long after the fact they
are still dwelling on exactly what was said, how it was said and what
was meant by it. They tend to come up with other ideas later for how
they should have responded. You Don’t need to analyze everything about
it. Live in the here and now. In order to do that you need to let go of
any preconceived notions about yourself and others. Stop judging
yourself negatively.
Try to
see yourself in true light. Avoid making overgeneralizations about
yourself. If you have one mistake it doesn’t necessarily follow that
you will make other mistakes as well. When you over generalize you use
words such as never, always, every, none, nobody, everybody, etc. These
words tend to lead you to incorrect conclusions.
Filtering
is a method we use to see the world the way we want to see it. We look
at the world only through our own filter and don’t believe that there
is another way to see things. To change this we need to first realize
that we do it. Once we recognize that we can try to stop doing it.
Self-blame
is thinking that is distorted because you blame yourself for
everything, even when it isn’t your fault. Sometimes you blame yourself
for things that are out of your control or that you can only partially
control. One way to notice that you are living with self-blame is to
hear yourself apologizing often. You may notice that you apologize for
things other people do that you have no control over. Start to take
notice when you apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Stop
saying you’re sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Exercise – Responding to
Criticism
This
exercise will help you learn how to filter and respond to criticism.
Negative criticism can do damage to frail self-confidence. Keep in mind
that when others criticize you they may have their own agenda. Learn to
recognize what isn’t true and respond to those who criticize you.
When you
receive criticism follow these steps before responding.
Look
at the criticism objectively. Don’t automatically agree with it.
Ask
yourself what the critic is saying. Make sure you understand.
Is
the criticism constructive?
Is
the criticism accurate?
If
it is inaccurate, correct the misconception with the critic.
If
it is accurate, acknowledge it to the critic and move on.
Many
times criticism has roots in accuracy but is partially incorrect. In
this case, make sure you respond to the misconceptions and acknowledge
the parts that are true. When you respond to the critic, be calm and
prepared. If you need to, take some time and respond later once you
have had a chance to review the situation completely.
Chapter 2 - Gaining
Compassion For Yourself
You’ve
probably heard the old saying that you need to love yourself before you
can love anyone else. As trite as it sounds, this is really true. In
order for you to cultivate other relationships you must have a good
relationship with yourself. One way we defeat ourselves is by not
having compassion for ourselves.
Compassion
means feeling empathy and having a true understanding of what you’re
going through. You may have compassion for others but don’t show
yourself the same thing. If you don’t have compassion for yourself you
may also find that you don’t have compassion for others.
Compassion
is comprised of several factors - understanding, acceptance and
forgiveness. Trying to understand is the first step in the direction of
compassion. Whether it is an understanding of something important about
yourself or someone else, truly understanding gives you a fresh new
perspective. Try to put yourself in the position of the other person.
Understanding can bring new and different responses. Instead of the
same old response, having insight enables you to break free of the
usual responses. Sometimes understanding is easy but other times it can
be very difficult. If you are having trouble understanding someone step
back and take some time away. Then face the situation again. Continue
to try to look at the situation until you can really understand it.
Often we don’t take that time and either jump to conclusions or
discount the other person’s view.
Acceptance
is an acknowledgement of the facts, without making a judgment.
Acceptance asks us to accept without approving or disapproving. To
truly accept you need to put aside any preconceived notions and simply
accept. Acceptance of yourself means that you really accept certain
things about yourself and no longer either try to change them or use
them as a self-putdown. You may know the facts about someone but need
to refrain from making any judgments and know that they are who they
are. Acceptance is sometimes a lacking component in a marriage. Without
truly accepting your partner for who they are, you are judging and
hoping they will change.
Forgiveness
flows from understanding and acceptance. Without understanding and
acceptance it is hard, if not impossible, to have forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows you to move forward without dwelling on a situation
or mistake. It does not mean that you forget it or that you shouldn’t
learn from it. It only means that you accept the situation for what it
is and are able to look to the future. Often, people get hung up on the
forgiveness step because they can’t move on, stuck in the situation.
They may feel as though they will forget if they move forward so they
continue to dwell in the past, going over scenarios over and over
again. If you are the one who made a mistake, forgiveness is necessary
to move forward.
Compassion
can be cultivated. It takes experience and practice to harbor
compassion both for you and for others. Give yourself a break. When
something goes wrong don’t automatically think the worst or expect the
worst. Try to first give yourself a break. Think about children. We
automatically treat children with more compassion than we do adults.
When a child feels badly we come to their aid. We may hug them and tell
them that everything will be all right. Do the same for yourself.
Instead of beating yourself up over a problem or mistake think about
nurturing yourself.
In order
to become compassionate you need to work towards being more
compassionate every day. You need to make a commitment to a new way of
thinking. Begin by placing importance on the commitment. You will have
to replace negativity with compassionate responses. These are born
through understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. When faced with a
situation, work through the components of compassion.
Start by
asking yourself several questions to help you understand the situation,
such as:
What
need was being met with the behavior?
What
awareness was an influence in the behavior?
What
feelings influenced the behavior?
Next,
make three statements that help you to accept without judgment.
I
accept them (or myself) without judgment for feeling of wrongdoing.
I
wish _(Blank)_ hadn’t happened but it was only an attempt to meet their
or my needs.
No
matter the outcome of the decision, I accept the person who did it as
they did the best they could.
Finally,
make two forgiveness statements about the situation.
I
can let it go, it’s over.
Nothing
is owed for the mistake.
Use this
technique by writing down the various questions and statements each
time the situation arises. Once you are used to the technique you can
go through the steps and statements easily in your mind. Remember not
to skip any steps and don’t let yourself off the hook. These apply to
you as well as to situations involving others.
Try to
remember to treat yourself well. When something bad happens try to stop
yourself from jumping to conclusions or telling yourself you are a bad
person. People with low self-esteem listen to their inner voices that
tell them they are bad or wrong or worthless. Stop all the negative
talk. Learn to have compassion for yourself.
As with
many things, compassion is a positive response that can replace
negative thought patterns. Choose compassion as your new habit. Throw
out negative thoughts. Every one of us has both positive traits along
with some negative ones. Everyone is good at some things but also has
some things they aren’t as good at. Praise yourself for the positives
but use the negatives as a learning tool. In fact, don’t even think of
them as negatives. Anything that fits into that area should be
categorized as a possibility.
Learn to
give yourself compliments. People with low self-confidence often have
trouble accepting compliments. To start with, list all the features and
qualities about yourself that you like. You can list both physical and
intellectual qualities. Study the list. Add three more things to the
list. Practice telling yourself these positive things in front of a
mirror. Learn to accept compliments from others. If someone tells you
they like your outfit, don’t say “oh, this old thing?” Instead, a
simple “thank you” will do. It will do wonders for your self-confidence
and will also build up the confidence of the person who gave you the
compliment. Remember that you are as deserving of compliments as anyone
else.
Exercise
for Learning to Feel Compassion
Watch
television!
This
exercise will help you learn to feel compassion for others. The purpose
is to give you a safe and non-threatening situation to practice putting
aside any snap judgments and help you get insight into points of view
you normally don’t get a chance to see.
Choose a
television show to watch that you don’t usually watch. Pick a show that
is totally opposite of a show you would normally see. If you usually
like comedies, choose a drama, if you like game shows choose a soap
opera. You get the picture.
Now
watch the show, being sure to pay close attention to it. Whenever you
feel bored, irritated or disgusted, don’t turn the channel. Instead,
put those feelings aside and focus back on the program. Tell yourself
that even though this isn’t a show you like, you can set aside your
feelings and watch it. Don’t be judgmental.
Think
about the people who regularly watch the show. What do you imagine they
get out of it? Try to understand the many things that may attract
people to the show. Think about what the people who watch the show are
like.
Chapter 3 - Values
and Your Belief System
If you
want to increase your self-confidence you need to know and live by your
own values and belief system. People who lack self-confidence seem to
take on the beliefs of those around them, agreeing with people. They
may be afraid to show their true selves for fear of rejection. They may
be afraid that others will not approve of them or their views and are
therefore not willing to say what they really think. Instead they go
along with the crowd so they feel as though they fit in better.
In
reality, if you don’t show your views and your own values, you aren’t
letting people see the real you. You are hiding behind a façade that
few, if any, people can penetrate. In order to be able to show your
views you need to understand your own values and belief system.
Take
some time to evaluate your own thoughts and feelings about major
issues. One way to do this is through journaling. Journaling allows you
to write down your own thoughts and feelings every day. The more often
you journal the better you will be able to come to know yourself. Try
journaling every evening before going to bed. You can write about
anything that happened that day. You can then go back to your journal
later to learn more about yourself. With today’s hectic lifestyle it’s
hard to spend time evaluating yourself. Your journal can help you
uncover things about yourself that can help improve your
self-confidence.
Everyone
has his or her own belief system. Often families share similar values
but even people who are related to one another may have slightly
different beliefs. Make sure that you aren’t just like a chameleon,
taking on the values or beliefs of those around you.
Everyone
has certain things they feel they should do or certain ways they feel
they should act. These ideas started when you were young. Often, your
parents told you what you should and should not do. As an adult you may
feel guilt when you ignore or dismiss one of the things you think you
should do.
“Shoulds”
affect your self-confidence. They are rules you are trying to follow
that may actually be unhealthy for you. “Shoulds” demand you to act in
ways that may be impossible. You may be living with childhood shoulds.
These are ideas that may have served you well as a child but need to be
revised or gotten rid of entirely.
How do
you know what your ‘shoulds’ are and how they serve you? Make a list of
all the things you tell yourself you should do.
Some of
the things we have always told ourselves to believe may not be healthy
for us. We can’t be all things to all people. Healthy values are those
that are flexible. There are no such things as rigid rules. Our values
have to be able to reflect the unique circumstances that happen all the
time. Healthy values are truly believed, not just forced upon us. When
our parents told us to feel a certain way, that didn’t make us
automatically feel it. In order for values to be healthy we need to
take them as our own. The values also need to be realistic. If you have
unrealistic values you will never be able to attain them, thus setting
yourself up for failure every time. Healthy values help enhance your
life, not cause you undue stress or put restrictions on you. You need
to be able to be free to follow your true self, wherever that may lead
you. Values that are too near-sighted restrict you from reaching out of
your small comfort zone. While staying in your comfort zone may feel
good, it will not let you become your full self. Fear keeps us from
straying from our comfort zone and keeping unhealthy values gives us an
excuse for staying frozen.
Understand
that everyone has different values and beliefs. Don’t be afraid that
people won’t like you if they know what your beliefs are. You need to
be true to yourself. Finding your authentic self takes time and
diligence, but when you are true to yourself you feel good about
yourself. You can stand up for what you believe in, even if others
don’t see things the same as you do.
Your
friends and family will love you for who you are. True friends will
stay with you because they know the real you. They may not agree with
everything you say but they will respect you for having the ability to
stand up for yourself and state your beliefs.
Beliefs
are made as a response to basic needs. Your first beliefs were formed
in response to your parents. The need for love and approval generated
beliefs that were the same as your parents. You also look to your peers
for acceptance and take on many of the same beliefs as a way to fit in.
Also, you may desire to fit into a certain group because of their
beliefs. All this is done rather subconsciously. Your need for physical
and emotional well being also helps form beliefs.
Exercise
- Getting Rid of your “Shoulds”
“Shoulds”
are things that you tell yourself you should do. This list of things
has accumulated throughout your life. “Shoulds” have come from many
sources including your parents and yourself.
Many
“shoulds” can be eliminated from your list. These are giving you undue
guilt and negative self-talk. Getting rid of them will help boost your
self-confidence level.
Make
a list of everything you can think of that is on your internal “should”
list. Think about all the aspects of your life and write everything
down.
Evaluate
each item on the list. For each item, think about why it is on the
list. How did it get there? Is it still valid? Is it doing any good for
you or is it actually causing negativity?
Make
a new list of “shoulds” that you can eliminate. Write down specific
ways you can stop them. When you recognize a “should” come into play
you will need to counter it with positive inner talk to remind yourself
not to listen to that “should.”
Chapter 4 - How to
Handle Mistakes
Everyone
makes mistakes - nobody is perfect. You’ve heard those phrases many
times, but have you really listened to them? Confident people know how
to learn from their mistakes.
Everyone
has faults. You need to learn to deal with your faults in a productive
way and don’t let them make you feel inferior. It starts in childhood.
How you dealt with mistakes and how your parents reacted to your
mistakes shapes how you deal with them as an adult. When parents give
unconditional acceptance to their children it encourages them to become
independent and provides for the child to have positive feelings about
themselves and their abilities. On the other hand, if the parents were
overly critical or overprotective it will damage the child’s ability to
develop self-confidence.
As a
child, you may have been punished for mistakes you made or you may have
been ridiculed or chastised. If that happens too often, the person
likely goes through life trying to avoid mistakes, instead of working
through them. To this person, it becomes almost worse to actually make
a mistake than what the mistake actually is.
If you
were chastised for mistakes by a parent when you were young, it is
likely that you never fully developed that area of yourself that is
self-acceptance. Instead of accepting that you make mistakes and move
on, you may have felt it necessary to hide mistakes and to practice
self-rejection after making a mistake.
The good
news is that you can change the way you handle mistakes that will make
a profound improvement in your self-confidence. To evaluate how you
were taught to deal with mistakes you can complete this exercise.
Finish the sentences below. We will then look at some common answers
and review changes that can be made. Be sure to evaluate fairly. This
is an exercise to be used for your learning and advancement. Some
people have a hard time assessing what their parents did for a fear of
betrayal. Remember that your parents weren’t perfect. They did what
they thought was best for you. It’s your turn to make some positive
changes in your life. You won’t be able to move on until you understand
how your parent’s attitudes affect you today.
Complete
these sentences – either write them down or say them aloud:
When
my father witnessed me making a mistake he _____________________.
When
my mother saw me making a mistake she _____________________.
When
I find I’ve made a mistake I ___________________________________.
When
I make a mistake I hear myself saying ___________________________.
When
I was a child, if someone told me it was okay to make mistakes I _____.
If I
was able to allow myself to make mistakes I ________________________.
If I
was able to show myself compassion about my mistakes I _____________.
As I
begin to feel better about making mistakes I _______________________.
Here are
some common responses to the questions to get you thinking:
When
my father witnessed me making a mistake he
would
get angry and yell at me.
would
swear at me
laughed
at me or made fun of me
he
would lecture me
he
told me how he would do it right
he
left the room
he
blamed others for my mistakes
When
my mother saw me make a mistake she
told
me I was hopeless or stupid
called
me names or told me I was a baby
she
got angry
she
got my dad involved
she
took over and told me the right way to do it
she
laughed at me
When
I find I’ve made a mistake I
tell
myself how stupid I am
think
everyone will say I’m a loser
say
that I shouldn’t even try anymore
think
that it’s unforgivable
feel
angry
cry
or get emotional
try
to hide my mistake from others
When
I make a mistake I hear myself saying
I
have become my mother or father
I
am taking over for my parents
I
am worse than my parents were on me
my
self-esteem is devastated by this mistake
if
I can’t make mistakes I can’t grow
When
I was a child, if someone had told me it was okay to make mistakes I
would
feel relieved
would
not feel so bad about myself
could
enjoy working without feeling so much pressure
would
let myself try new things
could
be more creative
would
be a happier person
If
I was able to allow myself to make some mistakes I
would
probably not make as many mistakes
would
have more ideas
could
let myself go
would
be able to take more chances
wouldn’t
be so afraid to try new things
I’d
accomplish more
If
I was able to show myself compassion about mistakes I
would
be able to be myself more
would
like myself more
wouldn’t
be depressed
wouldn’t
be afraid all the time
would
be proud of who I am
would
be my own person
As
I begin to feel better about making mistakes I
think
my work will get better
will
become a better parent
will
be able to try new things
will
feel less pressure
feel
hopeful
think
I can do this!
Now
truly examine these questions and your responses. Try to find an
understanding as to what your beliefs are about making mistakes and how
you came to believe that. The hardest part is to put away those beliefs
and replace them with the knowledge that it is all right to make
mistakes. No matter what happens, the outcome is a learning experience
and you will not beat yourself up about it.
Changing
a belief takes time. Most of us know, in our thinking world, that it’s
okay to make mistakes. The thing that needs to change is your
underlying self-talk that defeats this truth. To combat it you need to
be strong. You need to keep reminding yourself that it’s okay when you
make a mistake. Replace your defeating talk with positive self-talk.
Remember
– you aren’t flawed, you are learning a new way of thinking. Try to
think of a mistake as a learning experience. Detach yourself from the
mistake and look at it objectively. Understand what happened and why.
Only then you can effectively take corrective action.
Exercise
– No One is Perfect
This
exercise will help increase your awareness about mistakes by
understanding that everyone makes mistakes.
Make
a list of famous people who have made big mistakes. Include only those
people whom you respect.
Make
a list of people who you know and respect. Write down mistakes they
have made. You may include your parents, teachers, relatives, friends,
or anyone you personally know.
Review
the lists. Think about why even famous or respected people make
mistakes. Know that everyone has made mistakes and will make mistakes
in the future. These people didn’t make the mistake because they wanted
to – they thought it was the right thing to do at the time.
Chapter 5 - Don’t
Say Yes When You Really Mean No
One
common thing that happens to many of us is getting caught in the “yes”
trap. We are asked to do something that we really don’t want to do. But
instead of saying no, we feel we should do it and so we say yes.
There
are many reasons why we say yes when we really mean no. One reason is
we are afraid to say no. We may fear being rejected by the person
asking us. Instead of standing up for what we really believe or want,
we cower and say yes. Or we fear having a confrontation with the
person. Instead of saying no, you say yes to avoid getting into a
conflict. People who have low self-confidence can sense that other
people are more powerful than them. They often don’t want to get into
situations that could turn into disagreements.
Here are
some examples of when we say yes but mean no. Do you find any of these
circumstances familiar?
You’re
shopping for clothes and the salesperson makes some suggestions. Do you
ever buy something you don’t really like that well just because you
don’t want to say no to the salesperson?
You’re
at the beauty salon or barbershop getting your hair cut. The stylist
makes some suggestions about how to cut your hair. You don’t really
want it that way but you let her cut it anyway because you don’t want
to say no.
You’re
at a restaurant and the waiter recommends a particular dish. Even
though you don’t usually like this particular food, you order it and
eat it anyway.
You
get a phone call from someone selling something. You want to say no but
instead you end up buying the item.
Someone
comes to the door selling magazine subscriptions. Even though you don’t
need any magazines you agree to purchase a subscription.
Your
sister calls to see if you can baby sit her kids on Saturday night.
There is no special occasion; they just want some time without the
kids. You say yes even though you and your husband had planned to go to
the movies on Saturday night. (She relies on you all the time even
though she does have a baby-sitter that she could call)
At
work, a co-worker asks you to complete a report for them. You agree,
even though it means you will need to work late to finish it.
You can
see some of the common ways that people may say yes when they really
don’t want to. What’s more, sometimes people say yes even when it is
inconvenient or costly to do so. Sometimes you may find that you are
doing more than the person you are helping out. It’s pretty easy for
someone to take advantage of you once they find out that you are an
easy target. Some people will use you once they know that you usually
say yes. They also may not even realize that you are being
inconvenienced or that you really didn’t want to say yes.
What
happens in these situations is that you start to have resentments
towards the people that continually ask you or expect you to do things.
They, on the other hand, may just think that you are happy to do these
things.
What
makes someone say yes when they don’t want to? Many feelings are hiding
under the surface. In order for you not to confront the person you
learn to avoid the situation by immediately giving in to what the other
person wants. In order to make it stop you need to first recognize what
situations you say yes in when you mean no. Then, the only way to stop
is to stop saying yes. Learn to say no. You need to be strong but you
don’t need to be mean or angry. A simple no is enough. If the person
asks you for a reason why you can’t do something you can tell them
truthfully why not or you can let them know that you just don’t have
the time to allow it anymore.
Exercise
– Learning to Say No
For one
week, keep a notebook handy. For the first few days, write down anytime
someone asks for something that you want to say “no” to.
Write
down who asked you, what they asked for and your actual response to the
person and the rest of the conversation. Look at the things in the list
and see which ones really should have been “no”.
Ask
yourself these questions:
Is
the request a reasonable one?
Is
this a high priority for me?
Why
do I want to do this?
Why
don’t I want to do this?
Rewrite
the dialogue as if you were talking to the person but instead of yes,
tell them no.
For the
rest of the week continue to write down these incidents, however, this
time, actually tell the person “no” when you mean no. It will be hard
at first, but will get easier the more you do it. You’ll feel so
empowered the first time you stand up for yourself!
Chapter 6 - How to
Ask For What You Want
If you
have low self-esteem, chances are you have a hard time asking for what
you want. You may have trouble dealing with other people, especially
those you view as authority figures. You may not feel you deserve
attention or that what you are asking for is too much. You may feel as
though you will stand out and do not want to be noticed. You likely
have feelings of unworthiness.
If you
have low self-confidence you may prefer to ask others what they want
and then help them get it instead of deciding what you want. You may be
afraid of rejection, fearing that others won’t like you if you are too
demanding or that they won’t agree with your views.
As you
start to become more confident, you may have a hard time thinking about
what you want. You may be out of touch with your own needs and wants
because you have ignored them for so long. An understanding of your
needs begins with knowing the difference between real needs versus
wants.
Real
needs have to do with things that are important for your life, such as
food and water. Needs fit into several categories. Not everyone’s needs
are the same and your needs may change at any given time. Physical
needs are those that are necessary to live. Air, food, water, clothing
and shelter are all physical needs. Other physical needs are to sleep
and rest. You also need exercise. Emotional needs are also essential to
your well-being but may not be as obvious. Emotional needs include the
need to love and be loved, companionship, recognition and appreciation.
You also need sympathy and compassion, both giving it and receiving it.
Intellectual needs are things that stimulate the mind and thinking.
Your need to express your thoughts is an emotional need. Social needs
include the need to interact with others. You also need to have a role
in society. Spiritual needs are those needs that seek to find meaning
in your life. These include morals, values and beliefs.
Wants
are less vital needs. They are usually things that are not life or
death matters but are often things that would be nice or add comfort.
If you have low self-confidence you may not feel comfortable asking for
what you want. In fact, you may have a hard time just asking for what
you need. Wants are therefore often neglected entirely. You may
associate your needs with your wants and neglect them as well. You
ignore your own needs at times. You may think that you are being stoic
but in fact you are giving up your important needs because you are
afraid of hurting or offending others.
The
dividing line between needs and wants varies within each person.
Sometimes you may feel so strongly about something that it increases in
importance and becomes a need. Other times, even needs may take a back
seat to the needs or wants of others. This can happen when you feel
that your needs and wants are less important than the needs and wants
of others. You also may have differing levels of importance between
certain needs. You may be more needy emotionally than intellectually or
vice versa. The key thing to remember is that only you can know and
judge the level of importance you place on each particular need and
want at any specific point in time.
You may
have become very skillful at fulfilling other people’s needs and wants.
You may think that others should be able to tell what you want without
you having to tell them. This is simply not true. In order for anyone
to get their needs and wants met they need to ask specifically for them.
The way
to overcome fears about asking for what you want is to develop
assertiveness skills. If you recognize that you have trouble asking for
what you want you should write down, ahead of time, how to ask for it.
Be as specific as you can. Include what you want, when you want it,
where you want to get it and who is required to give it to you. Write
down the specific wording you want to say so that you can practice
saying it. At first, try not to ask spontaneously. You will often
forget and leave something out and your need will not be met. Write
down your possible responses before you get into the situation.
You can
also write out this same type of request for things you need yourself
to do. Think of a need or want that you need to do for yourself. Write
it down just as you would prepare for a conversation with someone else.
Now, ask yourself for this item and give it to yourself. Practicing
this exercise will help you become more assertive.
Practice
this exercise with family members and friends. Use this technique when
you deal with any uncomfortable situation. As you develop more
self-confidence you will begin to see a shift in your thoughts. You
will start to be able to ask people for what you want.
Ask
without being demanding. You need to strive to be more self-assertive.
This differs from aggressive. You may have seen someone who comes off
as overly demanding and comes off as a bully. They go around making
demands and act as though the world owes them something just for being
here. That is the aggression. What you want to do is find a happy
medium. You should be able to ask for what you want and need, within
reason.
Sometimes
we have more trouble asking for things from certain people. To find out
more about yourself, make a list of the people that cause you fear. Try
to think about why you fear these particular people. Think about some
ways to get over these fears. One way is to confront the fear head on.
If you have more trouble with a specific person, choose a want and
request it from that person. Remember that it will take some practice
to be able to make these requests, so have patience with yourself.
Asking
for what you want takes courage. It takes you being able to break
through any self-doubts or hesitations, and let your voice be heard.
You can start small. It starts with an attitude. You need to begin to
make small adjustments to your thinking patterns so that you feel good
about your ideas and are willing to share them with others.
Here are
some tips for asking for what you want:
When
you’re on a date or a group outing give your opinion. Instead of just
going along with the crowd, try speaking up and stating your
preferences. Understand that the group together will decide what to do,
so your idea may not be taken. But you’ll feel better for having told
everyone.
Start
small and build on your successes. Think of some relatively unimportant
things that you can ask for. Practice asking for what you want with
others. Prepare your questions ahead of time.
Be
specific when you ask for what you want. If the other person is unsure
of what you are asking for you may not get your needs met.
Use
body language to help you. Stand straight and speak clearly. Use good
eye contact. Practice asking for your requests in a mirror until you
are comfortable.
The more
often you ask for what you want and get it, the stronger your
self-confidence will be.
Chapter 7 - Setting Goals & Breaking Habits
Habits
are learned behaviors that are repeated over and over until they become
like second nature. Some habits are good, others can be bad. The only
way to break a bad habit is to be aware of the habit and consciously
work towards changing the behavior. Negative self-criticism is a habit
that you can work towards changing. So is the habit of saying yes when
you really mean no.
Research
has shown that a habit can be changed after at least 21 days of
repetition. One way to change a behavior is to replace a negative
behavior with a positive reward. Every time you find yourself thinking
negative thoughts about yourself replace those thoughts with positive
thoughts. Affirmations are positive thoughts that are very helpful in
this type of replacement.
Think
about ways that you criticize yourself. Write down all the examples you
can think of. You may want to carry a notebook with you and make a note
each time you have a negative self-thought. Write down what you were
doing and feeling when you had the thought. By reviewing the notebook
you can figure out what your worst areas are and concentrate on
changing those first.
Set a
goal for yourself. Start with a weekly goal that you can attain. A
sample goal may be to say “no” three times during the week, when you
normally would have said yes. For instance, the PTA chairman may call
and ask you to donate some time to an upcoming event. Instead of saying
yes when you really don’t have the time, say no. Although you may feel
guilty about saying no, you need to establish a new habit, one of
saying what you really mean. After several such instances it will
become easier to do. At the end of the week you will feel good about
yourself and will be closer towards developing self-confidence.
Self-confidence
builds on self-confidence. The more you have, the easier it is to have
more. Confidence builds on itself. Negativity tears it down. Continue
to work towards changing your negative behaviors. Recognize that you
won’t be perfect. You will have days that you slip back into old
behaviors. Don’t let that get you down. Don’t beat yourself up for the
slip. Instead, realize what you could have done differently and move
on.
Set
goals for yourself. These goals should be small and easily obtainable.
This will help you reach larger goals. If a goal is too large it is
easy to just stop trying to reach it. Instead, break larger goals up
into smaller goals. These are more easily attained and build positive
self-confidence along the way.
Start by
setting daily goals using your calendar. Use a to-do list if you are
comfortable with it, and check off items when they are completed.
Prioritize your list so you do the most important tasks first, and any
tasks that don’t get completed can be carried over to the next day.
Tame your perfectionist side by knowing that you don’t need to finish
everything in one day. Praise yourself for keeping on task and getting
a lot accomplished. Carry over the goal setting into your personal
calendar as well.
Habits
are learned behaviors and you can learn to eliminate or change them.
Work on one habit a month. Trying to change multiple habits at once
will set you up for failure on all of them. First, you need to
determine what habits you have and then decide which ones need to be
changed. Habits are formed over time as a mechanism to deal with
something in your life. Many times we do not realize that a certain
behavior or way of reacting to something is a habit. If you examine
them more closely, you can find the underlying cause of the behavior
and therefore will be able to change it.
Habits
took a long time to form, and commitment on your part is needed in
order to try to break the habit. Remember to be persistent. Even if you
feel as though you aren’t making progress, continue to try. Behavioral
habits aren’t as easy to monitor as physical habits, such as smoking.
Sometimes the only barometer you have about a habit may be your own gut
feelings. In other words, you may begin to notice that you are feeling
more self-confident.
You can
and should enlist the help of friends or family when trying to break a
habit. They can be very helpful in pointing out when you do the
behavior and can support you in breaking the habit. Explain the entire
situation to them so they can better help you.
Exercise
- Goal Setting
Step One – Determine what
you want.
There are eight main life
categories that need to be evaluated. Use these categories for the rest
of the exercise.
Material goals
Family and friends
Career
Health or fitness
Leisure
Spiritual
Creative
Emotional
What
causes painful feelings or have difficult situations that you want to
change? Make a list of any of these situations. Keep in mind all the
areas of your life. Now for each item you wrote down, write a
corresponding positive goal. Think of at least one specific thing you
can do to change the situation.
Evaluate
and prioritize these into goals. Decide the length of time you may need
to spend working on each one. Start with the highest priority item and
work on the goal. Take some time every week to examine how you are
doing.
Chapter 8 – Visualization Techniques
Visualization
is a proven technique used to help you change habits or achieve your
goals. The idea behind this technique is to visualize what you want. It
involves relaxation techniques combined with positive imaging. Research
has shown that visualization works, whether or not you believe that it
will.
Visualization
can help boost your self-confidence by improving your own self-image.
If you see yourself as meek or helpless you can use visualization to
visualize yourself as strong and capable. If you think of yourself as
unworthy or undeserving you will use visualizations that show you as a
worthy person making valuable contributions. If you feel you are often
depressed you will use visualization that you are happy. Whatever your
issues are there is a visualization you can use to help build your
confidence in that area.
Another
way you can use visualization is to help change how you interact with
others. You will use visualization in ways similar to those above. If
you are meek and shy you will use visualize yourself in situations with
others where you are more outgoing. You may have issues with
assertiveness in which case you will visualize yourself being more
assertive with others. This technique can be used for many
relationships that you have issues with. The key is to imagine yourself
acting in a situation as you wish you acted.
You can
also use visualization to reach specific goals. Think about the goal
you want to obtain, and then visualize yourself already having obtained
the goal. You picture yourself being what you want, doing what you want
and achieving what you want.
Visualization
works because our mind experiences reality and visualization in the
same way. The mind does not differentiate whether what we are seeing is
real or not. It is as if we are watching our life through a television
screen. The mind and the body react much the same way whether we are in
the real situation or are just imagining it. Here’s an example. Suppose
that you have trouble talking with people in a group situation. You can
visualize that you are going to a party. You arrive at the party and
are confident and happy. You have no anxiety. At the party you are able
to talk to everyone and feel good about yourself. This visualization
gives your self-confidence a giant boost, as much as actually going to
a party but without the added anxiety.
Visualization
is a skill that, once learned, can help in many ways in your life.
Right now, you probably play negative scenarios in your head. You may
create scenes where you are inadequate or unworthy. You also probably
play out scenes that actually happened in real life but interpret it
your own way such as editing out compliments.
Instead
of playing out scenes where you are seen in a negative way, visualize
new scenes where you are the hero. It is a way of reprogramming the
mind to think positively. It replaces negative thoughts with positive
ones that help build self-confidence.
Visualization
is something you already do; however, if you have low self-confidence
you are doing it negatively. You now need to train yourself to swap any
negative thoughts for positive ones. With practice, you can train
yourself to use your mental energy towards positive visualizations.
Here are
some things to remember when using visualization.
Visualize
what you consider to be your biggest issues. Start with the larger
issues, and as you become better at the process you can incorporate
smaller issues.
Choose
visualizations that directly tie into your self-esteem. If you want to
be more assertive, choose a situation where you are assertive to
visualize.
In
your visualizations, picture yourself as having the quality you desire
and show yourself positive consequences of the behaviors.
When
you visualize yourself make sure you are using assertive body language
in the scene.
Look
at self-confidence as something you already have but just need to get
back in tune with.
Picture
you liking yourself more.
Exercise
– Visualization Techniques
Visualization
is something that takes practice. After a few times you should be able
to do complete visualizations. Some people use guided visualizations to
help them, which are visualizations that are led by instructor or on
tape.
Find a
quiet room to sit and relax in. Try to eliminate any distractions.
Allow yourself 15 – 20 minutes to complete this exercise.
Think of
a recent situation which you felt low self-esteem. It may have to do
with work or home or maybe a situation with friends or family. Whatever
the situation, think back to it and re-write the encounter. Play the
situation like a movie in your head, only this time you are in control
and say and do all the right things. Go through the entire situation
until the end, and picture the best outcome. Now praise yourself for
handling the situation in a new way.
The more
often you run visuals the better you will become at playing out scenes
in real life. Even the visualization gives you a boost to your
self-confidence.
Exercise
– Visualization with a Collage
Materials
Needed
Scrapbook
or any oversize book with thick pages
Glue
Stick
Scissors
Magazines,
Newspapers, greeting cards
First,
gather old magazines and anything with pictures and sayings in them
Visualize
in your mind the type of life you picture for yourself. This should
relate to the goal you are working towards (for example, if your goal
is to become more organized, think of the ideal ways your home would be
organized, your closets, your living space, your bathroom, your laundry
room, etc.). Choose visuals that stimulate you and make you feel good.
Spend
one to two hours gathering pictures for your book. Choose pictures or
words that represent the ideal in your visualization. For the example
above, you would choose pictures of organized homes. These pictures do
not need to be exactly what your home looks like; these are an IDEAL of
general thoughts. This is putting your visualization into real-life
pictures.
Cut
these images out, in sizes to fit into your book.
Now, be
creative. Glue your images into the book any way you want to. Include
words if you want to. If you can’t find the images or words you can
draw or write them into the book. You can embellish the book with
glitter, ribbons, scraps of paper, etc. Make it as creative as you can.
Now, use
the book to help remind you of what you really want. You can add to the
book any time you find something that fits in.
For a
variation of this exercise, use a large piece of poster board instead
of the book. Then when you are done, hang it in a place that you will
see it often.
Chapter 9 – Using
Affirmations to Develop Self Confidence
Affirmations
have been found to give people powerful boosts to their
self-confidence. An affirmation is positive self-talk - it is a strong,
positive, direct statement. It should be short and precise and have no
qualifications.
Positive
statements are important to the process. Make sure you use only
positive words in your affirmations. The subconscious can drop negative
words easily. Instead of saying “I do not feel inadequate” say, “I feel
adequate”.
Affirmation
statements should be stated in the present tense, as though you already
possess the quality. Don’t qualify the quality. For example, don’t say,
“I will feel more worthy”. Instead, say “I feel worthy”. Although the
wording seems only slightly different, the meaning to the subconscious
is very different. Always check your affirmations before you start
using them to make sure they are positive.
In order
for the affirmation to be most powerful, use short sentences and
meaningful words. Use everyday words whenever possible. The words
should be straight to the point. They should be statements - not
questions or orders. A statement is a declarative sentence.
Everyone
has unique affirmations that work best for them and their particular
situations. The affirmations that work best are the ones you write
especially for yourself. You know what areas you need to concentrate
on. You also are the best one to write the affirmations in language
that you will understand the best. You can write the best affirmations
that match your specific goals and personality. Using affirmations that
someone else has written may not be as effective.
Affirmations
may be in any form that works for you. They can be written or verbal.
You may repeat them silently or aloud. You may write them on index
cards to look at when you can, write a daily affirmation on your
calendar each day, or choose one affirmation to use for a longer period
of time. You can mix up the affirmations as well. You may have many
different affirmations that you use intermittently. Some people use
sticky notes to post affirmations, or you can write affirmations on
paper and tape them to places you look at often in your home. You can
record your affirmations and play them in the car or on the computer or
music player.
To work
best, affirmations need to be believable. By their very nature we know
that they are not something we have achieved yet, however, they need to
be something real that can be achieved. If you make up an affirmation
that is too far-fetched, you won’t let yourself believe it and it will
stifle the use of your other affirmations.
Here are
some examples of some well-written affirmations:
I am
confident
I do
my best
I
love myself
I am
happy
I am
successful
When you
write your own affirmations you can include your specific goals. You
can use affirmations for many things, such as to lose weight or stop
smoking.
Exercise
– Using Affirmation Techniques
Write
down 5 positive things or things you like about yourself.
Write
down 5 negative things or things you want to change about yourself.
Examine
the list and expand or change it if needed.
Now,
take the list of things you want to change and write a positive
sentence about your ideal self in relation to this thing.
Take
this list and write 5 concise affirmations. Make sure to use positive
statements.
Use
these 5 affirmations daily for a week.
Chapter 10 -
Developing Self Confidence in Children
Parents
are the most important and influential people in children’s lives. They
get many things from their parents, including ways of dealing with
issues and how they feel about themselves. As you have learned, we
carry around messages about our self-esteem from childhood into
adulthood. These messages become habits and are programmed into us
throughout the years. But childhood is where we learn these negative
ideas. Many of the struggles and fears you have today have their roots
in your childhood.
We know
how important developing self-confidence in children is, and it is your
job as a parent to teach children to have self-confidence. Children
need and want your approval more than anything else. That’s why you
have so much influence over your children and can help shape them into
adults. Remember what you wanted and needed from your own parents.
Acceptance
of your children is probably one of the single most important things
you can do for your children. To fully accept them you need to
understand that they are their own person with thoughts and values that
may be different than yours. Remember what you learned about acceptance
and apply this to your children. You need to see them for who they are
and not have unrealistic expectations for them. Know that you will
accept them for who they are. Appreciate your children, and treat them
as you would want to be treated. Guide them without tearing down their
egos.
It all
starts when they are babies. Babies have a small world. Their parents
are the only world they know and they get all their needs filled by
them. Holding your baby makes him feel safe and loved. Responding to
his cries are the first steps to teaching self-esteem. Babies learn
their worth by seeing how their parents treat them.
As
children get older, they will also get other influences in their lives
such as teachers, caregivers and friends. Parents and others are role
models that children emulate much more then you can imagine. Practice
acceptance of yourself and your children will learn to do the same.
It may
be hard to see your children as they really are. Your vision of them is
clouded by your love for them, as well as by your own fears and hopes.
Once you can accurately see your children you are helping build their
self-confidence. You will understand them better and know what drives
their behaviors. You can then see their talents and ideas and nurture
them. Knowing the reasons for behaviors will help you focus on changing
anything that needs adjustment, such as harmful behaviors.
Reinforce
positive qualities in your children. If they have special talents,
skills or interests, these are areas you can focus on. Every time that
you reinforce a behavior you increase the chances that they will behave
that way again. Reinforcing positive qualities increases the child’s
self-confidence and worth.
Reinforce
positive behaviors by using praise, rewards or recognition. Children
often respond best to these three types of reinforcements. Make sure to
find reasons to praise your children. Take notice of special talents
and skills and let them know you are aware of it. If your child has
made artwork or was awarded a trophy, display them proudly. Provide
opportunities for your child to shine. Then give praise when they do.
Continually find new things to praise your children about.
Of
course, children also demonstrate some negative behaviors. The key to
dealing with poor behavior is to understand why the child is behaving
as they are. The priority of children is to meet their needs. If they
are not getting a particular need met they may act out in an attempt to
get it. Think about the negative behavior and try to find ways the
children can express themselves in a more positive way.
When
faced with difficult situations with your children, try to reinforce
the positives. Give your children choices whenever possible. That way,
the children feel they have some say-so in the situation.
Listening
to your children is an important part of showing them self-confidence.
When you listen to your kids they feel important. When you listen to
your children give them your full attention, and get rid of any
distractions - make your child the center of attention for that time.
If the time is too hectic, suggest a better time that the two of you
can talk so you can really listen. Practice active listening skills.
Repeat and re-phrase what they say so you have a full understanding.
Make eye contact and show genuine interest. Ask questions so she knows
you are listening and that you care. Show empathy. Help your children
to include feelings in their stories.
Make
sure that you are your child’s biggest supporter. If they are having
trouble with a teacher, or another child, help them deal with the
situation calmly. Don’t always take the other person’s side; you need
to be on your child’s side. Let them know that you will always be there
to help them through any rough times.
Tips
for helping children gain confidence
Teach
Independence
Don’t
just tell kids they should be independent. You need to give them the
skills necessary for them to function in the world alone. These skills
start small, such as tying their shoes or dressing themselves, and grow
as the child grows, such as teaching them to cook or sew. Praise the
child when they try something new. They don’t need to be perfect at it,
so don’t hold out praise for perfection.
Keep track of
their progress
You
keep track of your child’s physical growth but you should also help
them see where they are growing mentally. Tell them how much more
capable and skillful they are becoming. If they have a particular skill
they have just learned, be sure to make it important.
Encourage new
experiences
Help
your children overcome fear of new situations by explaining what to
expect. When trying new activities, tell them how to do it and give
them some guidelines. Let them help you with activities that can be
used as learning experiences. Praise your child after they try
something new.
Be patient
Some
children learn faster than others. When trying new activities try not
to put time constraints on them. Everyone learns at their own speed and
in their own way. If you become impatient and yell, chances are the
child will avoid that activity in the future.
Teach by
example
Don’t
just tell your child about something, demonstrate it. Whenever possible
try to show your child what you are trying to teach them. Some kids
learn best by watching another person do the activity first, then
emulating it.
Take
time for your kids
Everyone
has a busy lifestyle but you need to carve out some special time to
spend with your children. Kids thrive on routines and function best
when a routine is in place. Try to keep things on a schedule whenever
possible.
Helping
Children Succeed in School
Children
learn a lot at school. Not only do they learn the basic subjects -
reading, writing, math, social studies, etc - but they learn important
life skills and lessons as well.
They
deal with other people every day and are learning important
socialization skills. Pay particular attention to what your child tells
you about others. If they have trouble socializing it’s best to catch
it early before it erodes the child’s self-confidence.
If the
child is getting bullied at school, get involved. This is one area that
your child may be totally unfamiliar with dealing with. Explain to your
child that a bully’s behavior is not a reflection of them. Bully
behavior at school should be brought to the attention of the educators
and is not to be tolerated. Step in to help your child as soon as you
can to prevent them from getting negative thoughts about themselves.
Children
learn other important lessons at school, such as time-management
skills, organizational skills and communication skills. They learn
through trial and error how to navigate their world. Many of these
skills are things that can only be learned through doing. Help your
child continue these skills at home.
Keep
open communication with your child’s teachers. They are with your
children many hours each day and can help provide support in case of
any problems. Alert your child’s teacher to any potential issues before
they arise. For instance, if you and your spouse are going through a
divorce, let the teacher know. They will help the child at school and
will understand if the child demonstrates a new or different behavior.
If your
child is having a particular problem and it is beyond your ability to
help, don’t hesitate to take him or her to a professional. Schools have
psychologists on staff to help children through rough patches. Team
with your child and the professional to come up with strategies that
are custom-tailored to your child.
Exercise
for Developing Your Child’s Self Confidence
One
great way to help children boost their self-confidence is by giving
them household tasks to complete. Even the youngest of children can be
given a chore. Completing chores helps children feel useful and a part
of the family. It really helps get their confidence up. Make sure you
assign age-appropriate chores so they can get them done. The idea is
not so much to have the chores completed 100% perfectly, but to use the
chores as confidence boosters.
You can
make the chart and decide on the chores as a family project if you want
to. Kids love to be able to give input and this will also help them to
feel needed.
For this
exercise, make a chore chart. A magnetic calendar works nicely so you
can stick it on the refrigerator where everyone can see it. Include
each child’s name, and list weekly chores along the side. Once a chore
is complete, mark it off. You can set up a reward system. If all the
children complete their chores the family will go out for ice cream on
Saturday, or any reward you want. Be sure to also give praise when a
child completes his or her chores.
Chapter 11 - Tips
For Developing Self Confidence
If
you start to feel anxious or self-conscious, find something to focus on
and use all your energy to stay focused on that one thing.
Be
assertive, not aggressive
Be
prepared for other people’s words and actions
Know
that you are good at many things.
Practice
saying positive affirmations
Use
positive self-talk
Take
time to understand your true weaknesses
Know
your strengths and remember them
Use
positive words to describe yourself
Avoid
being your own critic
Don’t
over generalize
Stop
blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault
Don’t
say yes when you mean no
Don’t
take things too personally
Stop
trying to read other people’s minds
Remind
yourself that you are the boss of you
Remember
that you are worthy
Learn
the keys to compassion – understanding, acceptance and forgiveness
Practice
active listening
Get
friends or family to support you as you gain confidence
Evaluate
your beliefs
Don’t
call yourself names
Stop
giving in to “shoulds”
Remember
that mistakes happen to everyone
Learn
to be aware of yourself
Take
responsibility for your actions
Replace
bad habits with positive thoughts
Praise
yourself when you do something good
Use
visualizations to achieve success
Distinguish
between your needs and your wants
Don’t
be afraid to ask for what you want
Anticipate
criticism from others, and be prepared to respond
Use
feeling words
Write
yourself specific affirmations
Put
affirmations on your calendar or post around the house
Set
realistic goals for yourself
Stop
doing things that hurt you
Work
through anxiety
Prioritize
to-do lists
Work
through your fear
Use
mantras to get through tough situations
Set
a good example for your children
Help
kids become self-confident
Praise
your children when they do something good
Be a
risk-taker
Put
a positive spin on things
Use
challenges as an opportunity to learn
Break
large goals up into achievable smaller goals
